Monday, September 14, 2009

Things that have made me laugh today.

The lady at Target, who didn't move away from the card swiper after she had paid, and then yelled at me when the cashier rang up my items and gave me my total. Not exactly sure what her end-game was.

The fact that Roger inhaled her breakfast this morning and then promptly barfed it all back up in the water bowl. Birdie and Luna watched in disgust.

It was the disgust on their faces that killed me.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My New Favorite Quote

"If it were true that women are turned on by a man who makes them laugh, Woody Allen wouldn’t have had to marry his own daughter."

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A Girl Under the Influence

I just discovered that I'm growing an ass on top of the one I already have. I have a flat chest and a flat stomach, which is a mean trick as I don't gain weight there, but I do on my backside, and area I don't ever catch a glimpse of. If I want to see what's happening back there, I have to commit to a getting out several mirrors and performing a bit of a magic show. Which I don't often do. So I wasn't even aware of the extra ass situation until I got out last year's slacks and put them on. Or tried to put them on.

I occasionally bemoan that my clothes are getting tighter, but right now I can't actually button up some of my pants. And that makes me want to throw myself off the roof. Besides the obvious horrors of gaining weight, I am dealing with an issue of economics. I spent a lot of time and money over the years, not only buying clothes, but paying even more money to have them altered so they will perfectly fit. And now they don't.

I've evaluated the situation, and decided the cheapest solution is obviously to get rid of the second ass. I think even surgery would be cheaper than new clothing. And before I'm accused of being a bit dramatic, I should point out that I have a 35" inseam, which is 1" too long for most "long" pants, and 1" too short for most "x-long" pants, making finding perfectly fitting pants a full-time job, people.

I'm perhaps deluding myself right now, as I believe all will go back to sanity if I just lose 10 lbs. (yeah, I know, that makes me a member of the just lose 10 lbs club, ha). I have separated my clothing into several piles. A pile of clothing that doesn't fit that I am willing to part with (it's very small), a pile of clothing that I can currently wear (also small), and a pile of clothing that I believe I can fit in to if I lose some weight (that pile is not so small, rather a lot like my ass).

As I was going through all the clothes yesterday and trying not to become suicidal a friend texted me a question, to which I replied, "That is the least of my problems. I'm looking at myself in the mirror trying to figure out how to stand in my pants so I don't have a camel toe."

Yeah....I think I might go ahead and put those pants in the give-away pile.